Walkies: The Black Dog is Back

Do you own a dog?
Did you know your dog may display "Dominant Behaviour"?

Basically, this means that the dog thinks is the pack leader. Dog believes they are the "alpha", and that the human should be submissive. So as opposed to a person owning a dog, the dog thinks that they own a person.

So do you own a dog?
Or does a dog own you?


SOUND FAMILIAR?

Depression is a dominant dog.
If you try to ignore him, he barks & growls and probably urinates on all of your stuff.

Levels of Conscious thought in different personality types. A Personal Theory. It's pretty deep. Part 2 of 3: Bekky.

Part Two: Bekky
Anxiety & Depression



This is my mind.
The levels included here are as follows:

  • Daily life. Functioning. Existing.
(waking up, breathing, eating, checking facebook)


  • Gateway Anxieties
(Answering the phone, Driving, Meeting new people, Watching the news)


Accessing these gateway anxieties can lead to Global Anxieties. 
These are things I get anxious about that are entirely out of my control. 
The Gateway anxieties can be managed with cognitive behaviour therapy. 

  • Global Anxieties


The Global Anxieties include thinking in depth about War, Poverty, First World Privileges/problems, closely connected to thoughts about Third World realities/problems, the abuse of any living creature, & the fact that everything is controlled by something bigger than me that I struggle to understand 
(ie. the information I take in is controlled by the media, the country I live in and the choices i'm allowed to make are decided by politics, My money & whatever I do with that? The big banks have that under control. Nothing seems simple. As soon as you start asking questions you start getting these insane answers that only lead to more questions and the answers only become more difficult to understand. I'm getting dreadfully off topic now. I don't understand how the World works by any means.)

This leads me to ...
  • Depression


I cannot comprehend the suffering in the World. 
I cannot save everyone who is hurt or hungry and yet I sit here safe and well fed. 
Does this make me a horrible human? 
I am convinced it does. 
Should I sacrifice everything in my life to help others? 
Yes! I should. 
But will that fix everything? 
No. 
Will it fix anything?
Probably not Bekky.
Then why would I do anything? 
What is the point of doing anything?
Why would anyone want to be a part of this life?
It's just horrible.
Everything outside feels heavy.
Any enjoyment I get from little things makes me feel guilty.
I am a horrible person.
I stop enjoying little things.
I despise myself.
Everything gets dark.
I sleep as much as I possibly can.


All because I watched the news.
I am so tired.

Coming Soon: 
Part Three-Graham State.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder



Levels of Conscious thought in different personality types. A Personal Theory. It's pretty deep. Part 1 of 3: Normal.


Okay.

Let's get crazy.

I'm going to talk to you about :
1. Normal State
2. Bekky State (Anxiety, Depression) 
3. Graham State (Narcissistic Personality disorder)

Warning: This might bake your noodle.


PART ONE: NORMAL?

This is what I imagine a mind looks like when it is free of any "mental illness".

Because nobody just has happy fun brain all the time, I have included :

  • Daily life. Functioning. Existing. 
(waking up, breathing, eating, checking facebook)

  • Normal Stress 
(job, mortgage, wondering if you're a cool kid, did I remember to take the bins out)

  • Annoying stuff 
(stepping in puddles, really high phone bills, when your favourite shoes break, finding out you're not one of the cool kids, shit, I forgot to put the bins out)

  • Childhood Trauma of some description 
(Because everybody had something weird in their childhood.)

This childhood trauma has not surfaced into conscious thought & so does not affect day to day life.



Anything deeper than this is not accessed. It doesn't need to be.
Life is normal.




Part Two-Bekky State.
Level of anxiety & depression.

Shit gets deep.

It's Sunday, let's talk.

First of all: Happy birthday to this fine specimen, The wild Kri Kri, commonly known as "Kristina". Scientific name: Karlina
Kristina photographed by Rebekah

Erin Michelle posted this drawing.
It makes me feel things, I think it's very good.
If you feel things and think it's good also, you are able to buy this from Erin's Etsy shop.


I will be working with the creative genius Kai Smythe on a sweet photo/illustrato combo this week. Can't wait to give this to your eyeballs so that they may see it. 
Previously mentioned genius, Kai Smythe photographed by Rebekah (I'm Rebekah).

Have you ever wondered "Why Saint Damascus, what does that even MEAN?"
Well, allow me to introduce you to Damascus.

On the topic of kitty cats, here's one that I am needing more of in my life:
It's everybody's favourite sushi-feind Courtenay!
 And here is a quick scribble for your troubles:

 Mucho Loveo, Rebekah

 















THIS IS IMPORTANT:

Hey. 
Do you know what's shit?
This weird expectation that we're supposed to just BE HAPPY all the time.
WHO DECIDED that we have to be happy ALL-THE-TIME?



Guess what.
We don't have to be happy all the time. 

Guess what else? 
We aren't happy all the time. 
We just  can't talk about it because we get in trouble or we're simply told otherwise.

"Depressed!? Nonsense! You have a roof over your head & people that love you. Children in Africa starve to death and you don't see them being "depressed". Besides, you're so SKINNY! You're not allowed to be depressed. If I were that skinny I would be happy all the time."  

Depression is not embarrassing.
People still just don't really get it.

Kind of like how being weird isn't embarrassing, people just don't get it. Being weird is awesome. I' m weird.

I have had some lovely, beautiful wonderful people tell me that they are struggling.
They are so sheepish!
They only come to me because they know that I know how it feels.

They cannot go to friends or family, because they might not understand. They might not understand that happy people get depressed. Skinny people get depressed. Successful people get depressed. Rich people. Fat people. Funny people. Stupid people. Anyone can get depressed. Just because yesterday they were frolicking in a field of sunflowers singing Abba, doesn't mean SHIT if TODAY they are depressed.

If someone tells you that maybe, they might be feeling depressed, for the love of God, just be cool.

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY TO THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE, THAT THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH SOME KIND OF WEIRD SECRET SHAME WHEN LIVING WITH DEPRESSION IS ALREADY TOO HARD AS IT IS.









SOMETHING COOL THAT HAPPENED

Guys!
Something cool happened!
I was contacted by a lady named Kira who works in a gallery in the UK.

blah blah blah details details boring TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT

My crazy cartoons were exhibited in this group show! 

and my image of The Black Dog made it to the poster! 
Wooo! Go little doggy, we'll fix you yet!



Some of the cartoons on display include:
The Bunny Story
Further Adventures with the black dog : What does depression look like? I don't know.
and the black dog piece from A Bad Week







This is pretty cool guys. 

For someone with some silly self loathing problems, this is a great achievement! I'm a bit proud of myself I think!? Wait until I tell my psychologist about this!

The Lady and the Tram: A Question and Phlegmy man.

A question:

 If you're sitting on a crowded tram and a young man with a broken arm gets on, do you offer him your seat?

 I have decided to set some criteria for this:
You should offer your seat to a young man with a broken arm when:
  1. He has lots of bags or 1 heavy bag. Having bags is awkward when you can use only one arm.
  2. He is having trouble balancing.
  3. He is giving you evil eyes and using mind powers to make you give him your seat.



This morning a few people on the 55 tram were full of mucus.

PHLEGM clogging up the nostrils, throats & lungs plagued my fellow public transportians.

One man who was sitting on the seat to my right across the passage had it the worst. This man had holes in his jumper and his shoes were all worn out, but he did not smell homeless so...?

Anyway, his lungs were a phlegmy mess. He had an inhaler which he would deeply suck in, then he would splutter and cough and phlegm-about (new verb?) all over himself. He was an older guy, but not really old. I think he looked older than he was.

From the moment he sat down across from me, he stared at me. The really rude uncomfortable stare. Like he's looking at me and he is not going to look away. He just continued to stare at me. Thankfully the tram became more crowded and his stare was broken by people filling up the passage between us.



One man, who was quite tall, got on the tram. I would describe him as a business dad. So he's a Dad, but he was wearing a suit jacket, so he was businessy.

He was holding something in his hand and because he was standing and I was sitting, what he was holding was swinging closely to my face.

That's just cruel man.
As the Tram began to clear out, Old Phlegm Starer was still to my right. He had stopped staring at me (not for long though) and was interested in the people sitting in front from him. A male and a female who looked between 20-25. The female was wearing a school girl-esque outfit. The male was wearing  a cheap suit jacket from the nineties and jeans (also cheap & nineties looking). They were a bit weird. When they got on the tram it was really quiet (aside from the snuffling & coughing up of mucus), so they made popping sounds and started to whistle. Whatever.

SO ANYWAY. Old "Phlegm AStare" decided to make conversation with them. I started to hear his mumblings and managed to hear him say "It's what's in the murder box that matters..." to which the weird people said "yep ok mmhmm" and at that point ceased any further contact.

He starts staring again. I pretend I can't see him. He looks away and says in an old scary monotone voice "Look around, leaves are brown, there's a patch of snow on the ground".