BLARRY.

 

So Blarry is depression, and he's all up in your shit. 
People are like "Yeah you just need to excercise and eat well and you'll feel better". 

But it's not really that simple, because you've got Blarry on your back, holding you in bed, telling you to order a pizza.

He's a damn jerk and he doesn't leave. 
No one invited him, he just appeared, and stayed, and made a mess of your whole life. 
God dammit Blarry. 

So you just stay at home with him, because if you go out, he'll probably follow you and you'll have to carry him everywhere, and he is just so, so heavy. 

So it's easier to just stay in bed and eat BBQ shapes for dinner.

That's depression.










Ugh mind blank.


Depression personified, and by 'personified' I mean...'monsterified'.

I have a few drawings that feature this character, I will post them soon, he's such a dick.
I wanted to give him a name. But I couldn't think of anything.
The best I could come up with was "Blarry". Which is STUPID.
I've had this blog post lying around for a couple of days, but I wanted to write something to go with it.

And this ^ is the best I can do.

Sooo Happy



Disclaimer: 
Hello sweet loves, please be aware that I am currently in complete control  of my depression and anxiety and I'm managing really well. Most of my blog posts are thoughts in retrospect, now that my head is clear I'm able to communicate the horrible, yucky, dark times in simple pictures. 

I am okay. Thank you for your concerns.

Also, if you share this image I would love it if you could link back to this blog

x B.

The Big Update Part 2: The Cartoons











In true Saint Damascus form, here are some weird or funny cartoons:

It's daylight savings!
Sometimes everything just feels very big and I feel very little.
Daily Doubts

I'm not entirely sure what's happening here.




This is annoying because I have absolutely no need for an ipad at all. There is no reason for me to want an ipad expect that they are shiny & I do what I want. That is so crappy. Sometimes I think "I should give away all of my things and run into the forest forever so I can avoid all of these privileges I did nothing to deserve".


Pffft That's never gonna happen.



(Hey, the dinosaur cartoon & beautifully illustrated cartoon at the end of this post are by other artists! Not me!... I wish they were by me)

Comic by Lonely Dinosaur T-shirt company



One of the most emotive, striking, truthfully sad series of illustrated images I've ever seen about a big heavy all encompassing feeling most of us know too well.
By Sylvie Reuter.


My Timeline.


Okay, so I don't remember my life very well.
All the memories just mash together & I have no idea what age I was when things happened.

I think I've figured out a little mental health timeline that occurs between age 13 & my current age (23).

I was a pretty quirky child. I was weird & dramatic. 
I still am weird & dramatic don't get me wrong, but something strange happened when I was 14.

I often felt sick in my stomach & I started having anxiety attacks. 


I started to feel sick every day.

I started to have anxiety attacks every week.

Then I started to shut down.

I was overwhelmed by everything.

Then I got really bad.

Somewhere around this time I cut my hair.

Then I was on antidepressants

Then I didn't feel anything anymore.

Not depressed. 
Not anxious. 
Not sick. 
Not happy. 
Never excited. 
Not content. 

Nothing. 

I was on antidepressants for a couple of years.

Then I decided I was ready to feel things again.


A couple of years later, I started to think back on the fuzzy memory-blob of years I was depressed...

Then I started to draw cartoons about it.
The more I draw, the more I slowly understand what was happening to me.

Click for Bigness.
If you are feeling the bad feelings, please pop along to your doctor to get a referral to a mental health professional, because those guys are tops. 

Walkies: The Black Dog is Back

Do you own a dog?
Did you know your dog may display "Dominant Behaviour"?

Basically, this means that the dog thinks is the pack leader. Dog believes they are the "alpha", and that the human should be submissive. So as opposed to a person owning a dog, the dog thinks that they own a person.

So do you own a dog?
Or does a dog own you?


SOUND FAMILIAR?

Depression is a dominant dog.
If you try to ignore him, he barks & growls and probably urinates on all of your stuff.

Levels of Conscious thought in different personality types. A Personal Theory. It's pretty deep. Part 2 of 3: Bekky.

Part Two: Bekky
Anxiety & Depression



This is my mind.
The levels included here are as follows:

  • Daily life. Functioning. Existing.
(waking up, breathing, eating, checking facebook)


  • Gateway Anxieties
(Answering the phone, Driving, Meeting new people, Watching the news)


Accessing these gateway anxieties can lead to Global Anxieties. 
These are things I get anxious about that are entirely out of my control. 
The Gateway anxieties can be managed with cognitive behaviour therapy

  • Global Anxieties


The Global Anxieties include thinking in depth about War, Poverty, First World Privileges/problems, closely connected to thoughts about Third World realities/problems, the abuse of any living creature, & the fact that everything is controlled by something bigger than me that I struggle to understand 
(ie. the information I take in is controlled by the media, the country I live in and the choices i'm allowed to make are decided by politics, My money & whatever I do with that? The big banks have that under control. Nothing seems simple. As soon as you start asking questions you start getting these insane answers that only lead to more questions and the answers only become more difficult to understand. I'm getting dreadfully off topic now. I don't understand how the World works by any means.)

This leads me to ...
  • Depression


I cannot comprehend the suffering in the World. 
I cannot save everyone who is hurt or hungry and yet I sit here safe and well fed. 
Does this make me a horrible human? 
I am convinced it does. 
Should I sacrifice everything in my life to help others? 
Yes! I should. 
But will that fix everything? 
No. 
Will it fix anything?
Probably not Bekky.
Then why would I do anything? 
What is the point of doing anything?
Why would anyone want to be a part of this life?
It's just horrible.
Everything outside feels heavy.
Any enjoyment I get from little things makes me feel guilty.
I am a horrible person.
I stop enjoying little things.
I despise myself.
Everything gets dark.
sleep as much as I possibly can.


All because I watched the news.
I am so tired.

Coming Soon: 
Part Three-Graham State.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder